SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?
DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Him: your mustache?
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary