My son said he was bored of having to lean over his plate while eating so I said I was bored of having kids and now maybe everyone is crying
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature
me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.