-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Happy thanksgiving!
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.