I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
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The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
this FaceApp is creepy af
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
My wedding will be open casket.
Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.