-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

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SON: Daddy, where do tweets come from?

DAD: Well, son…when a Desire for Validation and a Character Limit love each other very, very much.


When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.


Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


[God making sausages]

Angel: What’s next?

God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing

*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*


Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok


Me: guess what I shaved!
Him: your armpits?
Me: no
Him: your mustache?
Me: no
Him: your nec-
Me: I don’t wanna play this game anymore


I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.


Me: will you wake your sister

4: no that’s way too scary