@Angibangie

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

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@Iloveearwormz

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@skadel68

Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@Staggfilms

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

@Jason_Horton

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

@stats_canada

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.