If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

You Might Also Like


Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god


[After sex]







HER: Never use your Elmo voice again


Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”


The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.


If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.


I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me