@IamJackBoot

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

You Might Also Like

@upsidedowntrash

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

@Home_Halfway

[After sex]

HER:

ME:

HER;

ME:

HER:

ME:

HER: Never use your Elmo voice again

@daemonic3

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

@EvilSchwartzie

The police get mad at you if you try to marry a squirrel. Even if you’re pretty sure it’s a girl squirrel.

@dmc1138

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

@envydatropic

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me