@LoneWolfStories

If I’m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.

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@DaddyJew

Son: you have a gray hair

Me: it’s a badge of honor

Son: *looks at head* whoa, you’re like some sort of super soldier

Me: go to your room

@Scottzilla667

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

@timdonakowski

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

@internetluke

[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”

@not_delicate

Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband:

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@longwall26

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

@slimmy_shady

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List