If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.