If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
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The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
look at me when i’m typing to you
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
One venti cheeseburger please.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Butt weight. There’s more!
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.