If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Kermit goes Blue.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.