If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe