I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
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*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-
king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh