@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

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@SamInspired

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

@krisv_723

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

@tweetsbyrocket

advisor: sire, the kingdom is in chaos, the streets ravaged with crime, surely you can spare so-

king: NO. the egg needs ALL my men

@Shanehasabeard

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

@e4moji

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

@JustDontBugMe

Like my priest always says, “Your confessions are the reason I drink.”

@NewDadNotes

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

@spies_please

We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder

@Phook75

I’m 89% certain I’m technically still dating at least 3 women from the late 90’s early 2000’s cause I left for beer and never came back

@HiddenPinky

The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh