@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

You Might Also Like

@Whitnuts

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

@TheToddWilliams

[date]

HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?

FRANKENSTEIN: My foot

@SamGirlSunday

Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.

@FeelingEuphoric

PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school

@AmishPornStar1

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@CAshmanActor

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

@sixfootcandy

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

@o__0Dev

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

@PleaseBeGneiss

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat