People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
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normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*