Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
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HER: So, are you religious?
FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic
HER: Oh…your mother or your father?
FRANKENSTEIN: My foot
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat