If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

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Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick



HER: So, are you religious?

FRANKENSTEIN: I’m part Catholic

HER: Oh…your mother or your father?



Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.


PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school


It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.


cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today


*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol


Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*


I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…


NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat