@bkdcasey

If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.

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@ParasiteHilton

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

@H0TMessBarbie

I’ve finally reached the age where I can’t function without my glasses…especially if they’re empty.

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@BoomBoomBetty

[after my funeral]

Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—

My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.

@dumbbeezie

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

@TheAndrewNadeau

{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.

@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@JediGigi

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.

WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG

@CornerPubRon

My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.