If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation