Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
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He was looking for a job and then he found a job
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
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! ! ! !
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.