@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

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@ChicksRule

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

@buhsbaby_baby

[before sex]

Just so you know.. I can only be on top cause’ I’m not gonna take my backpack off

@venkaiceprinces

Looks like I’m finally going to meet my twitter crush, don’t know if I should diet or let him find out the hard way Im good w camera angles

@Lalaw143

I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .

@AdamTheLobster

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

@Chelsea_Elle

Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.

@3sunzzz

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

@SomthinBoutSara

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

@Average_Dad1

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce