I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
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Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Canada brought you Nickelback. Now you know why Canadians are sorry.
911: what’s your emergency
me: someone stole my watch
911: when did this happen
me: how am i supposed to know
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
Parenting is hard.
Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.
[outside a blazing house]
Me: … There was a spider.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus