If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

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Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out


[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”


Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight


Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!


[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*


My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.


They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.


Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!