@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

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@Reverend_Scott

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@Chhapiness

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

@kyry5

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

@citizenkawala

My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.

@girlontapas

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

@lgbk44

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

@squirrel74wkgn

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!