@CelebrityChez

If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

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@patnspankme

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

@tweetsbyrocket

911: what’s your emergency

me: someone stole my watch

911: when did this happen

me: how am i supposed to know

@aaronup

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

@3sunzzz

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

@omgthatspunny

Why is peter pan always flying? He neverlands. I love this joke because it never grows old.

@Marlebean

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus