When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.
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I’m currently in a very serious relationship ,we don’t even smile .
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce