@CheryeDavis

If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

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@E_lok44

Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is

@DanOverHere

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

@Ohaiqtpie

I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.

@Skoogeth

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

@Smooheed

When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine

I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can

@underchilde

A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.

@mstluvstrinkets

Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.

@kibblesmith

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”