I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
When I’m pushing the twins in the pram and someone asks me if they’re mine
I say ‘no, they’re for my collection’ and run as fast as I can
A jury of my peers would just be 12 people who hate that they had to get up before noon.
Anything I accomplish before I finish my first cup of coffee has been fueled by rage.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”