If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
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Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.