If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

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COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search


I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.


The only time me and a girl orgasmed at the same time,nnShe didn’t even know I was in the cupboard.


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues


Sitting outside the dentist office eating Oreos, b/c I think everyone should earn their pay.


Girl, my life is full of tragedy. In 1997, my girlfriend was killed by a guy named Sephiroth. AND she was our party’s only healer ๐Ÿ™


Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]


Car broke down. Seen enough Man vs Wild to survive. 20mins later when the tow truck showed up I was drinking urine out of a poodle’s skull.


Free pizza at work got me like โ€œFine, Iโ€™ll come back on Mondayโ€.