My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.
How do we dissolve her parental rights?
If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!
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I wore a suit to Walmart and they made me their king.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
me: AND UR COMPUTER
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*knock at the door*
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol