[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
a god among men
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet