@rustygunter

If it lasts 4 hours I’m not only callin a Dr, I’m callin everybody!!

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@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@Mom_Overboard

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

@Tmoney68

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

@GrantTanaka

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

@simoncholland

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

@Fred_Delicious

*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH

@Breadery

*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.

@JohnLyonTweets

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

@SvnSxty

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol