If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I love this❤️😁👍
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.