@GrantTanaka

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

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@SuSuSuDonym

Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.

@zachreinert03

I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy

@Vodkantots

I’d like to stab you now.

Please step off my carpet and onto the tile.

@pauldame

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

@tarashoe

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

@envydatropic

People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.

@BoogTweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

@mugkip

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

@GingerHotDish

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals