If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I missed you with all my darts
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
was Jim off killing horses or…
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway