Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
This fish is cracking me up
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
The first one, obviously
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.