If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
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BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours