If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

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Me: Turns out there IS a wrong way to enjoy a Reese’s HAHAHA

Proctologist: Hold still please


PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”


If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.


Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.


Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.


“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”


I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.