@_Tempo11

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

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@Its_Just_Reese

Me: Turns out there IS a wrong way to enjoy a Reese’s HAHAHA

Proctologist: Hold still please

@ItsAndyRyan

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

@Parkerlawyer

If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…

My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.

@TheAlexNevil

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@Cheeseboy22

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

@crushingbort

“daddy where do babies come from”
“we just don’t know, sweetie…*peers through blinds, the sky is dark with babies* “…we just don’t know”

@bourgeoisalien

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.