If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
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I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston