@lovemydogduck

If it screams, it’s not food yet

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@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

@Skoog

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

@Marcmywords2

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

@MelKassel

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

@Tommytoughstuff

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

@DaddyJew

My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek

@KentWGraham

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.

@stealingyergirl

[bedtime]
Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?

@a_simpl_man

It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?