If it screams, it’s not food yet

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[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec


Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Oh! Too late



LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’


THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.


My boss doesn’t know it yet but we’re in the middle of an intense game of hide and seek


I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.


Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
Son: What?
Me: What?


It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?