For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”
Me, drunk on the airplane
*at plastic surgeon’s office*
ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-
[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?