Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CheeseDaydreams

For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.

@markydoodoo

A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time

@ODeadInside

“Will someone please just help me open this window? I need to smoke!”

Me, drunk on the airplane

@GuacamoleJesus

*at plastic surgeon’s office*

ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.

@BeeeejEsq

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@EJGomez

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

@ColIegeStudent

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?