if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
sigh
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks