If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
You Might Also Like
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.