@WheelTod

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

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@PeachesMcPeach

I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.

@dog_feelings

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

@DothTheDoth

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

@Sarcasticsapien

I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.

@UncleDuke1969

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

@jimmy_sharpe

Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.