If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
You Might Also Like
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time