I’m at my sexiest when I’m at a stoplight and a teenage boy is checking me out then suddenly realizes his horrific mistake.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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“I’m really good in bed”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I hate the phrase “let me clarify” because it means someone is about to talk some more.
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Something just came up on my computer asking if I trusted it, and now we’re running away to start a new life together.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.