If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”