If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
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[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.