If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out
How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck