If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
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That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
welp
I wish I were this cool 😂
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
So inspired right now.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert