I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…