Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.