When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
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tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.