If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”

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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.


Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.


[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes


Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.


“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.


I don’t discriminate;

– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake

I love them all equally.


Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me


Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.

Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?


Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.