ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone’d say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people’d be screaming things like, “Augh! That guy just killed my mom!”
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers
Wife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud, I almost put my shit back.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
I don’t discriminate;
– thin cake
– fat cake
– round cake
– flat cake
– upside down cake
I love them all equally.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.