*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
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The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings