If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
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me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.