If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
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As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
welp
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.