@WilliamAder

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

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@AltVeruca

Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.

@themiltron

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

@ipalatsky

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

@jenniferfralic

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@TheAlexNevil

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

@DONTJIMMYMEJULZ

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*

Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-

Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy