Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Me: *holding a puppy in each arm*
Genie: Ok, keep in mind this next wish is your last-
Me: *interrupting* I wish for a third arm to hold another puppy