@WilliamAder

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

You Might Also Like

@Sassafrantz

Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.

@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

@beefman138

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

@PFTompkins

Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

@ClichedOut

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

@schumoo

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

@Bagyants

When a computer program says “Not Responding” I start texting it stuff like “Who are you with?” and “Just heard our song”

@rebrafsim

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.