Making a grocery list after 8 beers is awesome because the next morning I get to wonder why I need 7000 bags of pizza rolls.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
When a computer program says “Not Responding” I start texting it stuff like “Who are you with?” and “Just heard our song”
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.