I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Follow me for more life hacks.
I like crazy people until they notice me
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today