@mack44_d

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

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@EyalTweet

Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.

@Midgetspar

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

@envydatropic

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

@JeffSarcastic

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

@VodkaThursday

I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby

@Rica_Bee

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

@djdarrellripley

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@3sunzzz

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.