@mack44_d

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

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@elle91

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

@BradBroaddus

Me: Thank you!

Cashier: You have a good one!

Me: That’s the rumor!

Cashier: …

@DrakeGatsby

“You’re too drunk, I’m cutting you off”

– Lame
– Boring
– You sound like a dork

“My potions are too strong for you, traveler”

– Awesome
– Conveys the stakes of the situation
– You probably have a sword or maybe a wizard staff
– You gotta leave tho you puked in the tip jar

@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@AndLive2Love

If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.

@AndyAsAdjective

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706