If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

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Wife: Where have you been?

Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.


Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.


Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose


How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.


I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT ANYTHING. YOU ARE EVIL. I don’t want to go in the swing!! NOOOOooooo…. okay. yeah. This works. I’ll hang here. – Baby


I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings


Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.


[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together


When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.