If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
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Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.