@N0pantz

If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.

You Might Also Like

@TheAlexNevil

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

@Rick_IZ

People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.

@kkingparsons

Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir

@AmishPornStar1

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

@CelebrityChez

My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.

@Overdue_Bills

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

@Fat_Jalbert

[cop car]
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!

@EJGomez

when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”