If it weren’t for smoke detectors, I’d never know when my food was ready.

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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.


People who lick their fingers then page through the papers on the printer

Just throw it out. I’ll print it again.


Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir


Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?


All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.


My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.


She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.


[cop car]
Buzzfeed Guy: It’s okay I work for Buzzfeed
Cop: You robbed 10 banks
Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn’t believe how much I got from #6!


when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”