Devil: I want your soul!
Me: Not for sale!
Devil: Name your price.
Me: Fix all my typos.
Devil: Too much work, keep your soul.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*mass chaos, crying*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: *blank stare*
Me: A napkin?
Of course every kiss begins with k. That’s how the English language works, stupid.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.