If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
How all things should be taught/explained.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”