If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
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I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…