Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MomofTeen

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

@seanbgoneill

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

@elunatyk

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

@onion_an

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

@drunkNnaughty

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@thatcarlygirl

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

@TheUnderfold

Passwords are more important than ever.

@heyjaadu

I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…

& then u no how it b