My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Passwords are more important than ever.
I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit…
& then u no how it b