@nathanwpyle
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
@GinAndJif
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
You Might Also Like
@nathanwpyle
@david8hughes
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
@LurkAtHomeMom
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
@Shade510
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
@AristotlesNZ
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
@david8hughes
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
@_little_old_me
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
@RexHuppke
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
@Ivsy01
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
@Jmboyd58
Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy
[car dies]
Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission
Jesus: Don’t test my mercy