@GinAndJif

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

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@david8hughes

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

@LurkAtHomeMom

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@_little_old_me

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

@RexHuppke

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

@Ivsy01

Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.

@Jmboyd58

Jesus take the wheel…let the clutch out easy

[car dies]

Wow, water to wine but no manual transmission

Jesus: Don’t test my mercy