If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
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You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I’m being attacked 😭