If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
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Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
new year update: losing everything but weight
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
I’m aging like a fine banana
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now