If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
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Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
The three genders.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
There are usually two types of merchants.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
