If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
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Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Is your wife single?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.