If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
The Friday File.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!