If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
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*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.