If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
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Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.