If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it