I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
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My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[loses house key, starts a new life]
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
Me My dog
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.