If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Self-cleaning conscience
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.