“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
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horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
But that’s none of my business
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks