If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
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If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Girl, same.
No way!
my dad when a sex scene comes on
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”