@junejuly12

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

- @junejuly12

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@Be___Dope

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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
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@CornerPubRon

Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month

@Arrogant_Twat

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

@shesananteater

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
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patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@pleatedjeans

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interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

@pleatedjeans

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

@SocialustGal13

Really, 6 more inches of snow today. My front yard is getting more action than me.

@bourgeoisalien

Them: If you were stranded on a desert island with any two people, living or dead, who would they be?

Me: Can they both be dead?

@bluebonetbabies

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.