@LizerReal
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
@scorpicpanda
If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.
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@LizerReal
@rudy_mustang
STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
@70Ceeks
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
@TheBoydP
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
@mack44_d
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
@Audenary
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.
PLUTO: I’m on the list.
BOUNCER: Nope.
*Jurassic World walks in*
PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
@dixinormus10
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
@NeinQuarterly
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
@Matt_the_1st
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
@Shelts99
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’