@scorpicpanda

If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.

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@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@AbbyHasIssues

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

@randomnloveit

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

@hell_homer

that lonely feeling when you oust your ex as mayor of your genitals on foursquare

@mymonsterischic

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

@WildeThingy

I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

@jctwritesstuff

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

@curlycomedy

When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”