If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.

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The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.


STEM major: what are you learning in school

Kindergartener: shapes and colors

STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that


north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that


The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…


I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy


You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’