The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.
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STEM major: what are you learning in school
Kindergartener: shapes and colors
STEM major: lmao good luck getting a job with that
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.
PLUTO: I’m on the list.
*Jurassic World walks in*
PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
You had me at ‘I’ve had 8 vodkas & I hate my boyfriend’